The Onion

As the gut-wrenching news that 19 children and two teachers were killed in their Uvalde, Texas school on Tuesday, a few people remarked grimly on social ...

“I worry it’s just another part of the mass shooting ceremony — thought ‘n’ prayers, don’t politicize, #GunControlNow, and so on,” he says. He lives in Los Angeles with “one overfed cat” and recently cowrote, with Mike Sacks, a college catalog parody called Welcome to Woodmont, published by McSweeney’s, and has another humor book coming out in the fall. “‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens” was written in the days following the 2014 stabbing and shooting rampage that left six people dead and more than a dozen others wounded in Isla Vista, California and has been published 21 times since, each following a mass shooting.

AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging the realities of public opinion following another mass shooting in his state, Texas governor Greg Abbott admitted Thursday that it ...

I suppose it’s okay, as long as I can still show off the awesome firepower in this beautiful pair of cannons at the NRA convention in Houston this weekend.” At press time, Abbot had reportedly emptied several dozen 25-mm armor-piercing tracer rounds into an unsuspecting aide while attempting to cross his legs. “Goddamn it, of all the weeks for this to happen,” said Abbott, a paraplegic, who shouted to be heard over the loud blasts filling the room and then sat back down in his wheelchair, pulling a blanket up over the brand-new pair of fully functional M242 Bushmaster chain guns he had had surgically transplanted to replace his legs. AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging the realities of public opinion following another mass shooting in his state, Texas governor Greg Abbott admitted Thursday that it was probably not a good time to reveal his new machine gun legs, according to sources in his office.

WASHINGTON—In a press conference addressing the community of Uvalde, TX, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly urged those affected Thursday to ...

“Go ahead and shed some tears, trot out the families of the victims, do whatever the fuck you’re going to do, and then we’re going to go back to pretending none of this happened,” said McConnell, urging the nation to go online and post whatever little impassioned rants or photographs of the bereaved they had, since he and his fellow lawmakers had decided their response to all of this would continue to be absolutely fucking nothing. We simply couldn’t care less.” At press time, McConnell had returned to the podium to add that his thoughts and prayers were, of course, with the community and the grieving families. “And yes, we know the parents of the victims will be burying 19 young children in the coming few weeks.

It's disgusting to imagine, but Americans take around 10 billion trips on public transit each year. Here are the things that people hate most about public ...

The machine will eventually suck the life out of us all. People Only Getting Pregnant To Get A Seat On The Bus What’s this poor woman doing riding the bus?

UNITED STATES—Throwing their arms up into the air and screaming while frantically sprinting toward every single American border, the entire U.S. police ...

UNITED STATES—Throwing their arms up into the air and screaming while frantically sprinting toward every single American border, the entire U.S. police force reportedly fled the country Thursday after hearing that there was a gunman somewhere inside the nation. “Oh my God, run, run for your lives, someone in the United States has a gun,” said Phoenix Police Sgt. Aaron Philbank, appearing panicked as he urged more than 900,000 sworn law enforcement officers in all 50 states to drop whatever they were doing and escape via foot, car, plane, or boat into either Canada, Mexico, or the Pacific or Atlantic Ocean. “Jesus Christ. This guy could potentially be violent and, at this point, might be anywhere from California to New York. All I know is that I’m getting the hell out of here, and these fuckers are on their own. I didn’t sign up for this shit.” At press time, Philbank could not be reached for comment, as the nation’s police force was busy barricading every U.S. border crossing and threatening to tase anyone who tried to stop the gunman.

The Onion's homepage went viral for featuring all of the website's "No Way To Prevent This" articles satirizing the inaction after mass shootings.

Meanwhile, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said there would be a vote on gun control laws when the legislators return from Easter recess in June. The article caricatures the inaction that often follows mass shootings, and starkly paints how some of the populace responds to these calamities by shrugging them off. The article tends to go viral on Twitter every time it's republished following a mass shooting.

Further down the page, The Onion also has satirical stories referring to the National Rifle Association and gun control in the U.S., which several people like ...

"We wrote it for one particular attack, and subsequently it has run for many others with just the date changed. In total, there are 21 satirical stories with the same headline on their homepage. In addition to their website, The Onion also posted a Twitter thread of all the times they used the headline referring to a mass shooting, which began in 2014.

The Onion posted 21 articles with the same headline about U.S. gun massacres on its homepage after the shooting in Texas.

Each of the articles quotes a fictional person-on-the-street saying the same thing — “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them” — which The Onion articles say “echo[es] sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations.” That included the latest installment in the series, following the mass shooting in Uvalde, Texas, that left 19 children and two adults dead at an elementary school. Since 2014, satirical website The Onion has published virtually the same article — each with the same headline, “‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens” — 21 times, each one following a major gun massacre in the United States.

UVALDE, TX—Uncovering shocking new details about the Robb Elementary School shooting, FBI agents told reporters Wednesday that alleged gunman Salvador Ramos ...

If it weren’t for the cooperation of these incredibly sick individuals, the 21 victims would still be with us today.” At press time, the accomplices had reportedly fled the country before they could be brought in for questioning. If it weren’t for the cooperation of these incredibly sick individuals, the 21 victims would still be with us today.” At press time, the accomplices had reportedly fled the country before they could be brought in for questioning. We have evidence these men and women provided the shooter with cover as well as access to the very guns used to perpetrate the murders.

Or for a variety of anti-NRA satire pieces to fill out the rest of the main page. The current Onion is far from its satirical peak, but it's good to see it can ...

The Onion runs that same article every time something like this happens, so if you’re familiar with that site you already expected to see that headline today. If you haven’t taken a look at the main page of The Onion today, go ahead and do so now. The current Onion is far from its satirical peak, but it’s good to see it can still rise to the occasion when needed.

There are a couple of inevitable responses to a mass shooting in America: funerals and fundraisers, prayers from politicians and the resurfacing of one ...

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The Onion blanketed its homepage today with the same article it has posted in response to many other past mass shootings, skewering the idea that such ...

“‘This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,’ said Idaho resident Kathy Miller, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations.” Jason Roeder, former senior writer and editor at The Onion, posted on Twitter in 2018 that he wrote the headline. That was after there was a mass shooting in the Isla Vista community near UC Santa Barbara.